What I Feel Like Doing Every Morning.

Heres the first in my series of Nascar funnies.I found this picture and it summed up Monday mornings for me pretty perfectly.

The Amazing Enlightening Clarification Of The Term 'Beau Pere'.

For a long time I was very,very confused concerning the term 'beau pere'.I always took it to mean father-in-law.Now,from time to time,in conversation someone would say 'mon beau pere'when I didnt even know they were dating anyone.Even more confusing was a coworker taking a day off from work to go to his 'beau peres'funeral and me serving his father-in-law a poutine while the ceremony was in progress.When Jesus came back,they found the cave empty because he had stepped out for a felafel.
It came to be known to me that most quebecoise use the term Beau Pere to refrence 1)the father-in-law,2)the step-father,3)their mothers boyfriend,4)their god father and ..wait for it...really nice breasts.Now while in conversation the correct meaning of person being talked about is 100% evident to everybody present except the Anglo.At this point we keep interupting the story to try and clarify the identity of the subject.Which after three or four times starts to annoy all listening.
So far in my quest to learn french,this is one of the hardest things i've come up against.A close second is hearing something totally different than what is being said.An invitation to go skinny dipping makes alot more sense than a conversation about a 'hairy doughnut'.Or telling the difference between Jesus and 'je sus'.Wow.Thats when you really know you need to learn more french.Or hire an interpreter.Maybe my father- in-law would be interested in the position.

Herouxville->Signpost To The Apocalypse

This is hard.I've been close to speechless before,but it was always alchohol related.Tonight i've got nothing.The only way to do this is for you to go here nowhttp://municipalite.herouxville.qc.ca/Standards.pdf.pay particular attention to the last two paragraphs.
See?what are you supposed to make of that?Tabernac!Terror on the turnip farm!If these flatland(has to be flatlanders because even backwood boys and mountainmen aren't that stupid)idiots ever get a third television channel, they may be dangerous.Now you understand why I'm hiding under a hood in the picture to the right.Wait a minute.If my face is hidden I can't move to Herouxville.Damn.Can't wait to see how Charest handles this one.
The thing about this is the fact that the town- population 1338(depending on how many chickens were killed for supper the day the last census passed) is advertising to attract immigrants to move there.They just want the right type.Incredible.
If I was on the town council I would put more energy and budget into manditory DNA tests for all residents to identify all married first cousins and let them know their gene pool is a puddle.
Sorry if this came off a little acidic,but I'm shaking my head so hard my kids will have Parkinsons.

The Good News Bad News Department

Welcome to the GN/BN Dept.I'll start traditionally with the good news.The family of former premier Bourassa came forward and asked Mayor Tremblay to end the war over the renaming of Park Avenue.The city rejoiced.One of its institutions is safe.For ten years or so, until the naming rights of all major arteries can be bought and sold at will by Smasher Corp. or youthoughtwewouldntdoit.com.
It has started already.With the property market what it is,nothing is sacred.At the end of August The Spectrum will be torn down to make way for a couple of dozen stories of commercial space.I'll be going to see a show the day after my birthday,one of the last before the close out Jazz Festival.There are few buildings in Montreal I have a fonder relationship with.More shows than I could ever hope to count,more nights spent out front waiting for tickets than I want to remember.I can still recite how many paces in each direction the nearest place to pee was.Unless you wanted to chance catching something at Dunkin Donuts.
Fondest memory ,without a doubt,was having a homeless man come to sit with us for company and proceeding to teach us how to mix Lysol and water correctly for a good buzz.Only on St.Catherine.
Anybody living in Montreal go by to pay respect before it goes.Anyone that has moved on,the next time you go to see a show,tip one back and think of how much better the sound would be at the frenchest showbar in the country.Just for fun,click the Spectrum link down the side of the page.Select Hall of Fame and see how many of the artists listed you saw at the Spectrum.